My motherhood truth might be too honest for you. But this is my motherhood truth, and I don’t need to justify it to anyone. My motherhood truth comes from my ongoing struggle with mental health. Your experience may have been different, and that’s okay. I’m happy for you. Maybe one day, I’ll find that place too.
I hate motherhood.
Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word.
I dislike motherhood.
Motherhood is not what I expected. It’s kind of been a let down.
Any and all expectations I previously formed about motherhood didn’t come true. I always knew I would be a stay-at-home-mother. But, two years in and I’m not sure why pre-kid Bailey thought this was my calling.
Most days I wonder, what is it that SO TOTALLY AWESOME about being a stay-at-home-mom? What is it? At the end of the day (even during the middle of the day), I can’t help but dread tomorrow. Tomorrow always comes, and I’m always still an unsatisfied mother.
Motherhood is menial. Motherhood is boring. Motherhood is lonely. Motherhood is challenging.
Crying is the worst. Crying triggers something deep inside me. When the crying begins, rage mama appears. Rage is hard to manage. And keeping rage mama in check is one of the hardest challenges I face. I hate how I become that type of mother, because that wasn’t my dream.
Motherhood has been a let down.
I thought it would be filled with joyful afternoons crafting or baking. Instead it’s spent changing 5 diapers, cleaning up squished banana, and somehow managing a tantrum throwing toddler
I thought it would be leisurely sit-down family dinners. Instead its many a lonely evening. My husband is often out of town, my extended family isn’t interested, and my toddler would rather not eat dinner. So, it’s me, holding a newborn, eating with one hand while I figure out how to make my toddler happy.
“How to make a toddler happy,” they should offer a course named that in high school. That would be some real life skills I could use right about now. Maybe if my toddler was happier, motherhood would be happier?
I doubt it.
Motherhood isn’t my calling. I thought it was, and now that I’m here, I want to push the reset button.
But I can’t push reset. So, I’m trying to figure it out. But right now, this moment, I hate motherhood.
I am really working on it. I have started to go to counseling sessions to work on my post partum depression/anxiety. I attend a monthly PPD/A group, and my local mom village fills my heart with so much happiness, empowerment, and support. I’ve gone to the doctor, and I’m working on battling my PPD/A with supplements as a first line of defense. I hope I can get a place of less sadness around being a mother. But for now, this mother’s day 2017, this is where I am.