I miss my kids.
I didn’t ever expect my heart to ache this much, and I didn’t expect it to physically hurt so much.
How does my husband do this? Leave us for a few days at a time for his job, or even let me take them to the Lower Mainland to visit with my family. Does his heart not break as mine feels right now?
This is my first real time away I spent a night away at a local hotel once this summer after a mini mom meltdown, but besides the birth of my second, I haven’t been away from my children since they came into this world. They go to preschool and part-time daycare, but 3-4 hours across town is different than multiple nights across the country.
I hate that I can’t leave right now and go be with them and that nobody is going to crawl into my bed tonight. I love that tomorrow I’ll wake up because of me, not screaming children, but damn, I didn’t know how much I’d miss them.
It’s no secret that I struggle with motherhood. I struggle so much. Between a long existing struggle with mental health issues, motherhood, and a sense of self, this journey has not been easy and I really did need a break. I needed a break to learn, connect, and to go home tomorrow and love on my kids.
This is why I’ve never taken a break before because I was scared about how much it would hurt, and I was right. It hurts.
Some days it feels like I hate my kids, and I regret this journey in motherhood but it’s been amazing. Sometimes I wonder why I did this to myself the late nights, early mornings, and the never-ending struggle to know who I am amidst a sea of toys and diapers, but it’s gotta do with loving these little people.
As much as this feeling right now sucks, and I’m sobbing while eating chips in an empty hotel room and writing my feelings to the internet, I would do this again. I need to do this. I would encourage you to take that time if it’s something you think you need. If you’ve identified that your gut believes you need space to grow, then do it.
I’m going to read my book in the quiet of my hotel room.
I’m going to catch a 7 am a flight to Vancouver, and I’m going home tomorrow.
Will I be back to Blissdom? I’m not sure. It’s a long way to go, and that makes me uneasy. I’d rather find a conference closer with influencers who feel more similar. But, this was an experience I need to repeat again.