This has been the summer of running away. You’ve probably noticed that I have spent most of the summer being somewhere else. Part of that is planned trips, and part of that is every time I come home, I just want to leave again in hopes of finding myself, finding clarity, and escaping everything that is “mom”.
Maybe it’s a bit of mom life crisis. I really struggle with motherhood and my identity. I have really struggled with this summer and navigating relationships, myself, and this whole life thing. Sometimes, I think I’m in the early stages of an early mid-life crisis as I’ve tried to convince my husband we should sell everything and move into an RV for a year. He’s not digging that, something about having a stable job he loves.
While most of my desire to run away this summer has been consumed with this since I might find myself mixed with the desperate desire to get out of the smoke (wildfire season means we’ve had over 16 days of 10+ air quality days where it’s too hazardous to leave the house) it’s also been for these reasons…
- I hate houseworkand the constant feeling of overwhelm that comes with being a mom and housewife. It’s the laundry, the kitchen, the toys, the bathroom, the floors, the walls, the beds, the light switches, crayon on the wall. But most importantly, it’s the insane capability that I have to do it on repeat.
- I hate my house. It just doesn’t feel like a home, and with each couch that breaks, a toy shatters, and unpainted wall, it’s like a current state of half-finished chaos that barely feels welcoming on a good day. Sure, we’ve done some renovations and it’s a much nicer place to come back to, but it’s just not somewhere I enjoy being for long stretches at a time. How do you make a house feel like a home when you’re too busy picking up after kids to even have a sense of calm? How do you do without money to spare? How do you do it without acquiring stuff?
- I hate being alone. My husband works for the railway and when he is home he’s sleeping, and when he’s not, he’s not. Sure, my kids are here, and so are the dogs, but for me, that’s not really the company my heart and soul desires. I do a lot of things alone with the kids, but being home is the most isolating. Between the quiet and the screaming, I find myself talking back to the hosts of CBC and just wishing I could escape the isolation. I know my real estate agents think I’m crazy but I would love to move my family into an apartment building where maybe I would see another face in the hallway, hear a thump next door, and have that reminder of other life.
- The Mundane of Routine. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and thrive with routine, but the process of doing the same things every day, week and month drag on my soul. Kids thrive on routine, but this mom despises how it controls her life. From the weekly preschool drop off brigade to forcing tiny children to nap once a day, and then remembering they should be fed, the routine of caring for others and is duller than I ever imagined. I don’t let it control my life, and my children are a little bit crazy and terrible sleepers, but these are things I’m coming to peace with.
- This Expectation to Be Someone. Being home means this expectation to be someone, to do something, and to function in my community. Sometimes, I wish I could just be away, and not meet these requirements. When I’m home I’m thinking about how I should maybe get a job because I hate the one I currently have. I’m thinking about how I should be something else.
So, my dear friends on the internet, can you help me out?
Give me some advice to conquer this need to feel like I need to flee? How do I settle down into life and feel at peace with where I’m at today, instead of dreaming of moving in 2019, of returning to work when the kids go to Kindergarten and missing out on my husband’s company for most of the week?
That’s right, I’m asking the internet for advice because I don’t believe in living this life alone.
I believe in giving and taking. I believe life is a smorgasbord of options. While I think some of your advice is totally outlandish and crazy, I also value different opinions and your words might leave room for reflection and how that might work in my life. It might work, it might not work. I might ignore it, or it might just plant a seed for an idea.