It’s a crazy world I grew up in, being told I could do anything and everything.
Turns out, that’s not the truth.
You can’t do everything and anything.
I’m not sure what I expected from motherhood, but it wasn’t this. It wasn’t the 24/7 get up of broken sleep, spilt cheerios, and sticky floors. Motherhood seemed a little more romantic, even if I was raised by a single stay at home mother. The past two and half years has crushed every single idyllic thought I had about the luxurious and enjoyable world of being a stay at home mother. Turns out this isn’t my life passion.
However, unlike a bad job, I can’t just quit motherhood.
You are trapped.
I can’t just leave the kids and travel the world for 6 months.
I can’t just go to the movies, take a night off, or catch up on sleep.
Motherhood traps you, and there’s no way out.
I always knew I would be a stay at home mom. I just never imagined feeling trapped by motherhood. These two little people they require my anything and everything.
In high school when you dream of your career, nobody accurately represented the challenge of motherhood. We were encouraged to dream big and pursue it all. Dreams of becoming lawyers, politicians, and engineers applauded and encouraged, but nobody talked about what was going to happen when kids came along.
I figure they probably thought we’d figure it out when that bridge happens. Many mothers succeed at working and mothering together. Many mothers don’t. For some of us, it means being trapped at home knowing our children keep us from pursuing our passions and ambitions.
I thought I wanted to be a mother but turns out, this career isn’t for me. It’s the hardest, most isolating, and terrifying work I’ve ever done. I regret the decisions to have kids without first making the decision to jump-start a career, to find myself, and be just a little more worldly.
Turns out, trying to figure out what you want to do with your life with two little people hanging off you is not easy. Most days, I struggle to think in cohesive sentences and speak in a normal tone.
We can’t have it all.
And maybe that’s okay.
My daughter, I’ll be honest with her about how much one woman can handle. We all have our limits, and best not carried away in telling little people they can have it all. Maybe, I could have, but that guidance on the right way to achieve that dream is missing in my story. So, here I am with two kids under three, trapped at home wondering what I could have been.
Every day, I feel trapped at home… unable to escape from motherhood. I write my truth because I know someone else feels it too. Motherhood isn’t this or that. Motherhood is a sisterhood with varying experiences. For some, it’s rewarding, and for others, its the job you wish you never had. But we’re here, and one day I’ll make it something to be proud of.
In the meanwhile, I feel let down and overwhelmed in my expectations for my future. I’m trying to make something out of motherhood, but between my husband’s sporadic work schedule, and the limited availability and affordability of childcare, my options to pursue careers feels like a disservice to my family. I just need a village to sit with me, encourage me, and remind me tomorrow will be better.