Solo parenting is hard. Motherhood is hard, but it’s exhausting when you can’t tag off after an 8 hour day for a 15-minute “pee break.”
This isn’t a story of how my life is worse than yours, or how my life isn’t as bad as yours. This is my story and my experience. I write this for me, and for all the other solo parents looking for companionship. If this doesn’t resinate with you that’s okay. Your story is still valid, true and worth sharing. I would love to hear it, or you can check out something else on the blog.
Solo Parenting because it’s not single parenting.
I get it. I have a husband who occasionally comes home from his crazy job, and earns a reasonable paycheck. He’s somewhat involved in the parenting of our children, but he’s also not. I’m not a single parent despite the feeling on the bad days, but I do solo parent. I spend many days, evenings and nights trapped at home doing this parenting thing without a break.
I know there are no breaks in parenting. You don’t just get to put them to bed and forget about them until morning. Parenting is 24/7, but that’s why parenting is better with your other half, family or a village. Because nobody wants to work 24/7. Somedays we just want to shower without worry, pee without company, or just eat a meal hot.
Solo Parenting is hard because it’s 9:30 pm and I’m finally not being touched for the first time since… actually, I’m not even sure.
Solo Parenting is hard because we need milk and there’s no other option but to take all the kids to the store. Even if its click and collect, it’s still bundling, and car seats.
Solo Parenting is hard because there is no time alone. When my husband comes home it is family time and getting those few hours together before he leaves again. There’s no time for evening getaways, spa days, or trips to the grocery store alone. Those are luxuries afforded to other family dynamics.
Solo Parenting is hard because when your partner does come home, the excitement and change throws off the whole routine. Everything you’ve tried to do to is undone, and parenting styles clash as you attempt to co-parent with a pep talk.
Solo Parenting is hard because nobody really gets it. I have a husband, the kids have a dad, but Dad is never really home. There aren’t weekends together, family dinners together, or even daily routines. It’s just me trying to give some normality to the chaos while wishing I could catch a break.
I’m lucky, I only solo parent for a couple days at a time. But some of you solo parent for weeks or months at a time while your loved one is out. We have partners but their life takes them elsewhere and it’s hard to parent without them.
Surviving Solo Parenting
Surviving the solo parenting gig is difficult but it can be done. I always feel like this is the part of the post where I should give you something more than my companionship in misery. However, truthfully, I’m terrible at surviving solo parenting.
I lose my shit all the time. I cry every night, and the looming potential to never get a weekend off destroys everything in my being.
Here are a few things you could try.
- Find Friends: whether they be mom friends or just adult friends make friends and call them. #ineedtotakemyownadvice
- Do Things and Go Places: If you’re always waiting for a helping hand, you’ll never get anything done. Leaving the house with 2 under 2 is freaking scary, but it’s possible and it just makes you stronger.
- Be an A-Okay Mom: Nobody needs a perfectly curated Instagram feed just a great mom who keeps them alive.
Do you solo parent? All the time? Sometime? Sporadically? How do you survive?
Bailey I feel your struggle! My boyfriend is gone for a few weeks at a time and I get all the struggles. My survival plan is coffee, activities, and keeping Dad time always a surprise! For our family we never tell the kids when he’s coming home (largely due to being a trucker he’s not always home when he plans). It’s always fun to see how excited they are to see him come in the door and it saves my sanity as I don’t have the meltdowns that dad isn’t home yet. We FaceTime every night we can so they get to see him even if he’s gone.
But my best mom advice is it’s ok to put the kids in bed and say i love you but it’s mommy’s time now! Toys can always be picked up in the morning, dishes won’t disinagrate if they are left over night. Find your guilty pleasure and make a concious effort to take that time for yourself!
There’s love coming from here for you Bailey! We are in this together!
I solo parent 3-4 weeks at a time. With a few days to about a week of “togetherness” at a time. I had never heard of anyone speak about solo parenting or a situation similar to mine. And I have to say, it’s a relief to not feel so alone in it.
What makes it easier for me is focusing on how much I love being a mom to my daughter. I love (most of the time) spending my entire day with her and getting to see her grow and play an integral role in her life.
It does wear me down from time to time that I can’t shower or pee without worry or having to take her with me. And I miss just going out to the store leisurely. But what I try to do is focus on the good, to seek the joy in my solo parenting day. And then take full advantage of those small moments I have the freedom to focus on myself.
Yes!! My husband travels for work occasionally…but it’s happening more and more. While I’m grateful to be home with my kids full time I never get time to myself! Even when hes not travelling he’s on call 24/7 and his hours are from dawn to dusk…sometimes later and earlier! So most days are 12 hour shifts, to say the least. The only thing that keeps me sane is coffee and dance parties. When the kids are nonstop fighting I just find the craziest song and crank the volume…and lots of fresh air. Which is hard in the northeast this time of year. I’m just glad I’m not alone in this parenting thing…
Thank you so much for this post! It is so helpful to know I am not alone. Thank you for being real. A lot of people don’t seem to understand solo parenting or have never called it that. I agree with some of the comments here. I focus on the good times, on the joy, even *gasp* turn on the tv for my daughter sometimes because I can’t just keep going all the time. And that’s ok. You will get through this, your kids will get through this, and chances are they will turn out just fine. They need a sane, happy mom more than they need a spotless house and every item on the to-do list checked. You’ve got this!
It’s nice to know I am not alone in this whole solo parenting thing. However now that I’ve read this & sit to think a minute, I am honestly proud of how I have been able to make it somewhat easier on myself. Like all the times I waited so long to get a shower in, then on day just had it, so I grabbed my son’s booster high chair, strapped him in, gave him a snack, put my pandora on, & had him sitting in the bathroom with me. What makes the solo parenting hardest for me though is that since we live with my father in law literally in the middle of nowhere & it’s winter, my son & I are upstairs in a bed room all day every day, due to the fact winter makes the house so cold our room is the warmest spot in the house. I am truly grateful my husband is taking a tiny bit of time here & there to try an get our own apartment in the town he works at & where I am from.
Thank you for posting this article. I too am a solo parent 24/7. My partner left me when I was pregnant. This has made me stronger then I ever thought possible. Raising a child alone in one income has been very challenging, hard and rewarding. I’ve proven to be a great Mom and provider. I felt so beat up and overwhelmed and still do at times lol but it’s doable and worth the struggle. My daughter will eight this summer. Thank you for raising awareness of the different types of single solo parents. This has been helpful.
i think I’m crying. every word you’ve written here was a me too moment for me. solo parenting is so so hard and i totally get the wanting dad to be at home and still being annoyed that the routine went for a toss when he’s actually there. yes there are no getaways and no happy family day outs. I’ve been meaning to write about solo parenting on my blog too but I’m afraid of the raw emotion I’ll pour out. big hugs from the other side of the world.
I hope you take some time to write about it. I really believe sharing our stories of raw emotion help connect with other parents. There’s nothing worse than feeling all alone, and yes some will judge us and critique us and wish we were stronger, but that’s not our story. This is our story. All the love mama, we’ll figure it out some day and then another challenge will present itself.