Daycare Refusal

Earlier this week, I finally bucked up the courage to not only scope out the local daycare page but to also send a few messages. I usually just complain, and think about it. #truestory

That morning I had great expectations of hitting up Starbucks to study for a solid 3 hours and getting some work done both on the blog and in my coursework. However, plans changed, and this did not come to fruition. Usually, no big deal. But if you’re struggling hard with PMDD and haven’t had alone time for over 48 hours (not even to sleep), then shit hits the fan.

So after a solid cry in bed, packing my bags, and trying to leave. We had a head to head and chatted it out. I need childcare for at least one kid. Between managing this blog (which I love to do), downsizing our house for Tiny Home Goals, and just trying to find me in it all, I need a break.

My husband is home so seldom, and when he is home making it a priority to just recoup is incredibly tricky. I can’t just pack the buck to him. Life is more complicated than that.

I sent a few messages, and a few people got back to me. Sure they said. “Can you give me days a month in advance?” Sure I said, I’m a SAHM whatever you have available.

Whoops.

That was my big mistake.

This daycare lady then proceeded to tell me it wouldn’t work out.

What? Why? 

“also you don’t have a need.”

Those words now burn into my soul like the fiery anguish of a mom who had a bad day and now pushed to her breaking point.

I don’t have a need.

I don’t have a need.

I don’t have a need.

I don’t have a need.

I can’t shake it because those five tiny words are a smack in the face from one woman to another. To tell me I can’t have childcare because I don’t have a need is fucking ridiculous. 

Because I do have a need.

I need childcare because… 

• I’m currently taking one class online, and I have a major project and exam soon. Not sure if you’ve ever studied with kids, but almost impossible. 
• I manage this blog and social media platforms. Not only do I blog about my life but I have sponsored posts that other companies rely on. This is kind of my business. I’ll pay taxes on it next year. 
• I haven’t been to the dentist in a year because I don’t’ have a childcare.
• I can barely see the text in my textbook because my eyes have significantly degraded since my last pregnancy, but trying taking two kids to an eye exam.
• A haircut? What’s that? My toddler’s had his hair done more than me in the past year because of his takes 10 minutes; mine is more like 40 minutes, and nobody but me has the patience for that.
• I’m trying to downsize my life and getting rid of stuff with helpful toddlers only creates more mess.
• Just because I am a woman, and I stay at home, does not mean I have to spend my life enslaved to my home and children. 
• I’m thinking about getting a real job and applying for real jobs and doing interviews is a challenge for kids in tow.
• My house looks like a fucking tornado went off because everytime I mop up the yoghurt on the floor, someone puts it right back on the floor.

So my dear, please shut the fuck up and watch your words. Because I do have a need and you hurt my feelings. Yes, because words hurt even adults. They sting like the death of a thousand suns or whatever the saying is.

Because it reminds me that I’m a failure as a mom.

I hate spending my days at home alone with my children and that thought and my desire to escape with childcare makes me a failure.

It reminds me that I’m trapped in the role as a SAHM because childcare is near impossible, my husband’s job is too crazy, and don’t have a career path.

Tell me I didn’t have makes me feel like I have zero value to myself. And while I might fight to believe the value I do have, I know I need time to think about me, to be me, and to be something other than a mother.

Because motherhood doesn’t define me, and it’s okay that I’m asking for help. You’re the first person I asked for help from today, and you slapped me in the face by making me feel as if I wasn’t important.

I share because I’m hurt, this is my blog, and I needed to let this out to sleep tonight.

Ever since she told me I didn’t have a need, I’ve been a whirlwind of a tizzy trying to reground and I just can’t. I’m emotionally blown out proportion and entirely distraught.

Today was a bad day; tomorrow will be better.