My motherhood truth might be too honest for you. But this is my motherhood truth, and I don’t need to justify it to anyone. My motherhood truth comes from my ongoing struggle with mental health. Your experience may have been different, and that’s okay. I’m happy for you. Maybe one day, I’ll find that place too.
I hate motherhood.
Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word.
I dislike motherhood.
Motherhood is not what I expected. It’s kind of been a let down.
Any and all expectations I previously formed about motherhood didn’t come true. I always knew I would be a stay-at-home-mother. But, two years in and I’m not sure why pre-kid Bailey thought this was my calling.
Most days I wonder, what is it that SO TOTALLY AWESOME about being a stay-at-home-mom? What is it? At the end of the day (even during the middle of the day), I can’t help but dread tomorrow. Tomorrow always comes, and I’m always still an unsatisfied mother.
Motherhood is menial. Motherhood is boring. Motherhood is lonely. Motherhood is challenging.
Crying is the worst. Crying triggers something deep inside me. When the crying begins, rage mama appears. Rage is hard to manage. And keeping rage mama in check is one of the hardest challenges I face. I hate how I become that type of mother, because that wasn’t my dream.
Motherhood has been a let down.
I thought it would be filled with joyful afternoons crafting or baking. Instead it’s spent changing 5 diapers, cleaning up squished banana, and somehow managing a tantrum throwing toddler
I thought it would be leisurely sit-down family dinners. Instead its many a lonely evening. My husband is often out of town, my extended family isn’t interested, and my toddler would rather not eat dinner. So, it’s me, holding a newborn, eating with one hand while I figure out how to make my toddler happy.
“How to make a toddler happy,” they should offer a course named that in high school. That would be some real life skills I could use right about now. Maybe if my toddler was happier, motherhood would be happier?
I doubt it.
Motherhood isn’t my calling. I thought it was, and now that I’m here, I want to push the reset button.
But I can’t push reset. So, I’m trying to figure it out. But right now, this moment, I hate motherhood.
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I am really working on it. I have started to go to counseling sessions to work on my post partum depression/anxiety. I attend a monthly PPD/A group, and my local mom village fills my heart with so much happiness, empowerment, and support. I’ve gone to the doctor, and I’m working on battling my PPD/A with supplements as a first line of defense. I hope I can get a place of less sadness around being a mother. But for now, this mother’s day 2017, this is where I am.
It is really brave of you to put this out there and you aren’t alone. I like being a mother, most of the time (now), but I also work full-time. When I was home (in a town I did not know well), I felt isolated and bored. Babies are kind of boring. The good news is that they seem to get less boring as they get older and capable of more things, but in the meantime just know that you aren’t alone in thinking that babies are boring. Staying home all day would literally drive me out of my mind.
You are very brave to say it, I feel exactly the same, my kids are a little bit older than yours, four and six, and I ‘m still finding it difficult dealing with the matter. That’s true that the eldest is now less demanding because has become more reasonable, but it only comes with time. You must be patient and wait. The only way out will be provided By time. My youngest daughter is literally a possessed devil creature. Always, absolutely always ready to make things worse than they already are, from the morning until night. The same did the older one two years ago. Don’t try to get now any satisfaction in your motherhood, just be patient and wait, According to the opinions of some friends of mine whose children are now at the ages of eight and ten, the worst of the morherhood is when children are under the ages of four. The solution will come just waiting for your children be older. Sorry, I’m not english speaker and maybe I’m not expressing as well i’d like to.
Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you for sharing. I am having such a hard time with motherhood. I feel exactly the same as you described. Expectation x Reality is killing me! I am mother of 3. A six year old boy, a four year old girl and a 8 month old boy. I love them but am having such hard time adapting to this new lifestyle.
Thank you for letting people know they’re not alone. I have 4 children. My oldest 2 are in college now. I used to be a stay-at-home mom. I now own my item business. I absolutely hate being a mother, but like you said, there’s no reset button, so I’m making the best of the situation I’m in. I love my children dearly, but honestly wish I had never become a mother.
This kind of thought is usually met with appalling looks and disdain, so it’s nice to just be honest for once.
Good luck.