If you know my story, you know with each of my babies I struggle with motherhood. I struggle with bouts of anxiety, depression, RAGE, and even suicidal thoughts. For the past two years, I’ve chalked it up to postpartum depression – a very real and tiring situation many new mothers experience following the birth of a child.

I accepted my diagnosis, and I’ve pursued avenues of support and healing. Earlier this summer I really struggled with finding an anti-depressant that would work post-baby, and I did not have any successes. I tried consuming my placenta, but kind of wigged myself out on that. I tried a variety of vitamins and supplements, but I fail at remembering them. When I can get childcare, I visit a private therapist, and I’ve done group therapy. I feel like I’ve done it all and I’m still failing hard. 

Disclosure: I share my story because I find comfort in reading the stories of others. I hope my story brings inspiration, support, and a sense of commonality to those who need it. Please remember I am not a medical professional and this blog is not a replacement for medical advice sought by a care provider. Visit your family doctor or specialist to chat all things medical. 

This past week I’ve had an ‘ah ha’ moment thanks to the internet.

If you don’t belong to an internet mom group you are missing out. You’re missing out on the amazing bank of knowledge and information that happens by “posting a question.” Sure you get all sorts of crazy advice from left field, right field and centre. But if you take a moment and step back, some of this crazy advice gets you pointed in the right direction for stumbling along.

I posted this question posted in my screenshot below. The question asks about the menstrual crazies. I asked because I was doing so well. Back to school and functioning like a champ. My kids ate three square meals a day, the house was clean, I was rocking a routine. And then one morning, I woke up and *poof* game over. I raged. I cried. I thought the thoughts nobody wants to think. My husband and I fought. I cried some more. And then, Friday came, I woke up and I felt like an entirely different person.

One of the first comments encouraged me to google: Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

I did.

They say dont’ google things. Just do it.

I have a Bachelors of Arts, my research skills are a-m-a-z-i-n-g.

nailed it.

Not only did her suggestion hit it out of the park, it brought back a distant memory of going thru these hopes and trying to self diagnose my crazy PMS as a young teen but mostly being brushed off. I remember trying not one, but a wide selection of birth control pills in high school and college. Not becuase I was having sex, but becuase I really struggled with my mensutral cycles – the pain, the hormones, the emotions, and the acne.

Boom.

So, here I am 2 babies later with a body that just doesn’t give two fucks about anything.

I went to the doctor this week in an attempt to talk to him/her about my recent self-diagnosis. I was less than impressed with the past 7 weeks of Cipralex and still having 2 crazy-ass-fuck-destroy-a-marriage type weeks. She kind of brushed me off with giving me one of two ideas: keep trying SSRI’s or try a birth control.

I dont want to get pregannt, so I’m trying the birth control.

Honest: I’m skeptical becuase of years of not feeling great on birht control.

Honest: I’m disappointed my doctor treats the symptoms not the problem.

Even worse, I felt my therapist brushed off my claim earlier this week by suggesting variations in emotions and hormones was totally NORMAL for women. She suggested advances in humanity was beginning to show lower levels of hormones and what I was experiencign was closer to normality. what the serious fuck. 

I’m sorry, but being suicidal once a month is not normal. I’m sorry but being filled with rage and sadness you almost destory your marriage time and time again is not normal.  I’m sorry but struggling with crippling social anxiety you can’t even visit family or frequent friends is not normal.