One Month Post Op: Just because I’m good, doesn’t mean I’m good.

It’s been almost a month since my bunionette surgery and life still sucks. Sure, I can walk around in my air cast on my heals, but I’m not sure if you’ve ever done that full time because it really sucks and it’s still hard on my body.

It’s been a month since my surgery, and when people ask how I’m doing my husband and I automatically default to “she’s doing good.”

It’s not a lie. I’m recovery on schedule, as predicted, without any complications. I’m getting around and doing things. Technically, I’m good. Just because I’m good, doesn’t mean I don’t need help.

Politeness.

I hear it in my husbands voice when his family calls and they ask how I’m doing. He say’s I’m good, but I’m not good. He says everything is fine, but nothing is fine.

The kids watch 10-12 hours of television a day when I’m home alone because what else do you do in your house? Honestly, I’m a terrible stay at home mom. My strategy has always been ESCAPE and every day of the week you’d find me somewhere like moms group, Hike it Baby, the playground, or McDonalds. I’m rarely ever home to do the Pinterest-worthy activities I see people doing.

Even when I can dream up things to do like play doh, and new toys, and building blocks, I’m EXHAUSTED. I know it doesn’t look like I’m sick, or broken, or distraught, but I find myself mentally and physically exhausted in a way I’m not even sure how to explain. I maybe walk 100 steps a day and yet my body aches of a marathon and wants to run a marathon at the same time. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I’m bored but I can’t create. It’s this weir place and it’s incredibly challenging in ways I never even expected

Do some of the things…

But not all the things. I know that if I wanted to survive solo-parenting today, I couldn’t go the science centre yesterday with my husband. I know that today I did work stuff and tomorrow I’ll barely be able to read my emails because I’m tapped out.

Healing takes a lot of work, and a lot of it we can’t see. That’s hard.

Sure, I’ve gone to the lake, to Art Knapps, and to Preschool on the regular but not without feeling physically and emotionally drained afterwards. It’s easy to put on a smile and do it, but come 7pm, I’m done for days.

What do I need right now?

I need someone to take my kids for a walk. They are like dogs and when they don’t get stretched regularly they go nuts. They know it’s nice outside and they are constantly escaping out the front door to check on the birds and the wasps (for reals).

I need someone to take over dinner and feed my kids because cereal is about special as my cooking gets these days. It’s hard to convince little people to eat the it’s just you. I can get up and do all the things to make the meals and sit down but I don’t have the will power to fight with them. I hate eating alone with the kids, and I struggle with this even before my surgery. 

I need people in my life who don’t wait for me to ask them because I’m never going to ask. I don’t feel worthy of help, of attention, or even of friendships. Self worth is one of my biggest challenges and I don’t even know how to tackle that issue. Part of the issue is the people I’ve asked for help from in the past whether the last 6 months of 10 years, failed to show up once. Eventually you get tired of being disappointed to trust in people again.