The first five days were a roller coaster. 

This week has been something else. I am that person who thinks through every worse case scenario and the worst never happens – so for the worst thing to be playing out in front of me, I am just stopped in my tracks.

I feel overwhelmed this week because other content creators and coaches are pushing this message that this is the time to serve and create. But I just want to crawl under my blankets and cry. I have decided to do this. I have decided to give myself room to grieve, to process, and to understand what is going on around me.

This week a State of Emergency was announced across the country and in my province. Canadians are coming home, airlines are shutting down, and my entire future feels like it’s crumbling in front of me. I am on hiatus from work as we figure out what we are doing with our children at home.

April is Cancelled

And I need time to grieve that.

We all do. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be angry. Processing feelings is healthy.

My trip to Missouri is cancelled. My PEO Convention is cancelled. My full-time childcare is cancelled.

Social Distancing Week 1

Social Distancing – it’s a terrible term. The local Public Relations group is trying to get us to call it physical distancing. That’s a much better term. It’s actually surprisingly hard to stay 6 feet away from people in strangers. I am worried about the long term impacts on myself and my children. We know that this is just the beginning. We know that the two weeks is now 4-6 weeks. We know that this will happen again in the Fall. We know that this is our new normal and it’s terrifying. 

Monday: we played in the front yard, worked on projects and finished coursework.

Tuesday: we went into town for a car wash and change of scenery. We stopped at my grandma’s care facilities. She came out on her fourth floor balcony and we had a quick hello. I cried to sleep that night. Things had just gotten crazy and I hadn’t taken a moment to grieve all this change.

Wednesday: I was burnt out. We stayed home. Played with bubbles. The kids asked to go to daycare they hate daycare.

Thursday: We went to Cultus Lake. We are encouraged to spend time outside but it is hard when you live in a  populated area to ensure you are physically distancing from other people. I had to explain to Walter that we can’t play on the playgrounds. That was really hard. I found $5.

 

Friday: We decided to find another park to play at but first had to stop at the mall for bread and chocolates. The mall is deserted. It’s weird. Eerie. We went to McDonalds drive thru for Happy Meals. We tried to go for a walk but the kids melted down.

Saturday: I let my kids be feral while I sat on the couch and tried to focus. I can’t focus. My attention span is non-existent. I’m trying to figure out the other things. I’m worried about the future. That’s my enneagram. That’s my personality. I’m beginning to wonder if I want to do crisis communication, maybe it’s too hard to focus. Maybe it’s too real because this is surreal and my life.

Today we got on a zoom phone call and chatted with my mom friends. I miss them. I miss laughing. We are all anxious. We are all struggling with our older parents not abiding by the recommendations. We are all unsure of the months to come and thinking of our pantries.

The kids are getting more anxious, concerned, and easily set off. In a different sort of way. I can feel that they have my energy, but I need to process this energy. It’s not like I’ve done this before. And I am full of uncertainties.

Next Week

I’m mentally preparing myself for complete quarantine and lock down of our communities. I’ll be returning home to my house in Prince George. I am worried about my husband. CN Rail is not providing the cleaning supplies for the crews to disinfect and how do I know that the trains coming from Edmonton are safe for him to work? I don’t. He will remain an essential service and train traffic is currently very busy (after months of strikes, protests, and derailments). But, how long will it last and to what point?

I’m worried about any potential legislation around rentals.

I have a phone conversation with my childcare provider to learn about April. The BC Ministry offered support for childcare providers to get funding when shit hits the fan. I should be able to pull my kids but hold my spot. As a non-essential worker my kids don’t need to be in childcare.

I don’t want to go back to being a full time mom. I worked so hard to learn that this wasn’t the right career choice for me. And now it’s slipping away from me. I feel broken.

I am going to write once a week. These are the reasons I started a blog.