Remember a month ago when I thought, hey maybe I could still go to Missouri, and maybe childcare would open again, and this whole thing would blow over in a few weeks when we finally got a hold of shit – no. That didn’t happen.
It’s been a month since the pandemic was announced… and physical distancing continues, panic attacks on the daily, and this profound amount of grief. I wish when we learnt about history, we learnt about how regularly people felt – not about the political drama. That stuff I don’t care about, but I wonder how everyone coped with war ravaging the countryside and stay-at-home orders? Is it different that today? I don’t think it would have been too different because despite the changes in society, we are still people with basic human struggles.
I know I have a lot of privilege to be okay with the now and to have a fed stomach, but I am still sad. I am allowed to be sad. I still cry myself to sleep.
I had so many dreams this month – and while some of them are coming true the need to take care of children and do it all is incredibly hard. My husbands essential job still goes to work, and I don’t have a house cleaner anymore, I don’t have groceries being delivered, I don’t have childcare, and I don’t have quick and easy trips through the drive thru. It’s weird and I miss it.
We’re starting to get to the point where we realize the world will never look the same again. How do you prepare for that?
I don’t really have anything else to share today. The last two weeks have been overwhelming. I am still not in a good place, but I find peace by attacking the two feet of snow and ice in my back yard in an attempt to make summer happen. I miss my friends.
April 1 – we received a package from Kimboo Canada today – these amazing incredible wood cube chairs for the kids to play with. There was lots of crafting and glue today.
April 2 – We tried to go for a walk today but it’s still -10C and the kids were too cold.
April 3 – Facebook Kids Messenger isa tool we use lots now to communicate with friends and family. It’s not the same. the kids are still quite upset and distraught. They want to see there friends. They cry as much as I do. They need lots of hugs.
Today I was supposed to be in Missouri for my 10 year grad reunion from Cottey College – I am not. Instead we had a zoom reunion. 
April 4 – It’s finally warm enough to be outside that meant some garden pruning, making tasty food and more zoom chats with friends. I’m worried bout my friends in the states. I’m really worried for them.
April 5 – home alone with kids so that means puzzles, craziness and mental exhaustion. I have a rough schedule on the wall. We swap things out using post it notes. It kinda works but it’s also getting tiresome. I don’t want to do the same things every day but that’s my only choice. We also sit outside in chairs lots. I’m starting to meet all my neighbours.
April 6 – Made bagels again. I don’t like the Montreal bagel recipe. Over the weekend I made a tent in my office for the kids to play in. This lets me get my last remaining coursework done.
April 7 – Kim brings over friend bread. It’s called ring the door bell and run away fast. It was lovely to see her from the drive way. I wish we could visit. On Tuesdays we have a zoom call with the ladies. It’s lovely. We also bought a playground today. This meant sending one person – Eric to go to Costco and buy it. It was a little challenging but he got it. Now we wait for the snow to melt.
April 8 – the kids call their grandparents in the tent. The conversation continues for almost 30 minutes giving me a solid head start on my assignment for this week. This is called babysitting through video messenger. It’s ineffective at best.
April 9 – Thursday I submit my final report for my Certificate in Public Relations and make tiki Tok videos
April 10 – the kids are nuts and the game systems and iPads get taken away indefinitely. We proceed to colour eggs and ordered out food for the first time by dropping by a local fast food joint for burgers.
April 11 – I write my final exam for my CDPR 113 class, we pick up gardening supplies at a local garden shop (order online, and they leave out to pick up) and then we come home. I go to Costco and buy enough food for three weeks (just kidding, maybe 7 days if we are lucky) and then forget to buy dog food. Stores are open but you can’t shop the same way. You mostly just tell them what you want and pick it up. Aunt Adrianne and Uncle Phill drop off a cake for everyone.
April 12 – Easter morning and then Eric goes to work. Its really hard to keep the kids quiet when he’s sleeping. I used to go do things but now we are all stuck in the house loosing our shit at one another as we try to prevent a melt down and fail. There is lots of time outs and screaming in be I forgot how physically exhausting it is to be a stay at home mom. 
April 13 – mom life when dad is gone means so much time outside including a failed bike ride. I don’t know how to pump up a tire apparently. This led to disappointment. The kids are easily triggered and get sad when things don’t happen like promised.
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