I haven’t done an update in almost three weeks because my motivation to do anything has been consumed by the all knowing beast that is situational depression and anxiety. We are good friends and have been for the past few decades of my life, it’s just trying to figure out how to best cope when your traditional coping mechanisms of socializing no longer exist.
Today at 3pm, we will learn more from the Province of BC about the reopening. However, we have been very lucky because BC has not shut down to the same extent as other provinces. I still visit Canadian Tire, Home Depot, the garden shop, and other shops from time to time to buy ‘essentials’ and other needed items. Ordering anything online is really painful right now because of the shipping delays and overload.
I have a few things I ordered but I’m not expecting to get them for several weeks – it’s such a strange world we live in. I feel like I keep having to remind myself to check my privilege and that it’s incredible that I can even source and acquire these things – like a new pair of pants, missing pieces for a toy, and some stuff for the garden.
I am feeling really comfortable and not super scared. That said, I went to Superstore today and there was no line up, but turns out they have a much higher in person store limit than other stores. I felt very uncofmroatable and left the store. Many stores like Home Depot, Liquor Store, and Costco have line ups. I like line ups. They really suck but I don’t feel like people are all up in my space.
COVID 19 spread within the community is pretty low-risk right now, but it doesn’t mean that I want strangers all up in my space, you know?
Eric has been working lots all of April. He mostly gets called off his rest and it’s very overwhelming being the solo parent for two kids. I am feeling burnt out because it’s been 6 weeks of just me entertaining them and being responsible. Right now he’s upstairs making cookies with the kids and it’s so nice to have a minute to myself.
But because I haven’t had the same time to myself, it’s hard to find productivity and accomplish things. I find myself sinking into a mix of anxiety and depression. It’s wear I clean the entire house because I found a mouse outside and then go to bed at 8pm because I’m exhausted from my own sadness.
I am frustrated that I have had to give up everything and my husbands life is unchanged. This breads frustration and ultimately depression. It’s really hard to shake.
I’ve tried doing some work with the kids at home, but it’s been less than awesome. It’s really hard to get things going and then being interrupted every ten minutes to do something. They like to play outside all day, but they are also still young and need some supervision. I’m glad that I have the ability to not work, but I am grieving the loss of my career. I’ve had clients ask to work with me but felt that I can’t guarantee them the work because I don’t get the time to work – it’s not like my husband is home regularly where we could create a schedule.
I also know that I have tried to work from home with kids in the past and I burnt out. I don’t need to do that again. I don’t want to do that again. I do this for my mental health.
Which, talking about mental health – the kids are not good. They are angry. They are sad. They scream. They shout. They have frustations that they don’t know how to articulate – heck, I don’t know how to articulate them. Pandemic parenting is so hard, and nobody prepared me for how much they would break down during this. Walter expresses fear about seeing people. We went to my BIL to pick something up and he refused to go because he didn’t want to get Uncle sick. They talk to their grandparents almost every day on the Facebook Messenger and that makes a huge difference but it’s not perfect.
In the same vein, I’m worried about when life does open up. The kids are set to start at a full time daycare that costs more money than I normally make, let alone trying to find enough clients to make it work. Ack. Ack.
There is so much unknown and it causes anxiety because I have no idea how to forecast things, and then that lack of knowing spirals into the ever knowing depression. I know this, this has been my life for twenty years —
Anyways, that’s where I’m at nowwiththis whole COVID 19 thing in May – some 7 weeks into this chaos and a few ruined trips
In other news, my garden is awesome and will update y’all soon.